Here is what the news readers tell me is important for me to know today, and my usual asinine reactions to these memorable highlights.
1. HEAD OF ARAB LEAGUE URGES MEMBERS TO CONFRONT EXTREMISTS
Unless they are attacking Israel
2. WHAT COULD IMPERIL UKRAINE TRUCE
3. EBOLA DRUG SHOWS PROMISE
And it will be introduced in 15 years from now.
4. WHY FEUDING LAWMAKERS MAY WORK TOGETHER, BRIEFLY
Because they are debating their next pay raise.
5. POLITICS TRUMP PROMISES ON IMMIGRATION
6. STATES: EPA SHOULD SET TOXIC ALGAE STANDARD
The EPA is too busy telling the States how to run their environmental programs right now.
7. WHO YOU CALL WHEN THE WATER RUNS DRY IN INDIA
Oh, I care. I care.
8. HOW FAR US GAS PRICES HAVE FALLEN
Not far enough.
9. AT JOAN RIVERS’ FUNERAL, A STAR-STUDDED SENDOFF
Glitterati feting departed glitterati. Joe Montoya was buried in a paupers grave yesterday, attended by the mortician and back-hoe operator.
10. SERENA WILLIAMS WINS 3RD CONSECUTIVE US OPEN
Who is Serena Williams? A female footballer?